What It Feels Like to Feel Chosen and Safe in a Relationship

I am in a loving, stable, and committed relationship that is approaching the one and a half year mark, and this relationship has been truly different than any other.

I wanted to write this article about my experience of being in safe love - not to boast, and not to say that it is perfect (because there is no such thing) but to share honestly about how feeling chosen has allowed me to feel safe.

My partner has shown me what a confident, grounded, and supportive man truly looks like. His love and commitment to me have never just been reassured by his words, but have always been consistent in his actions.

Before I get into what I have learned and witnessed in this loving partnership, I wanted to share about the background I come from and what I have had to learn about myself and love along the way.

I love my parents, but the relationship I witnessed growing up between the two of them, especially in the qualities of my Dad, was a chronic lack of consistency. My Dad unfortunately dealt with episodes of depression, mood swings, avoidant tendencies, and frequent periods of shut-down. Some days he would be in a great mood, whistling throughout the house and engaging in meaningful conversation with my family - others days he was distant and checked out. This showed up in his relationship with my Mom and with my siblings and I.

By witnessing this inconsistency, my nervous system learned that love and partnership isn’t something that is always consistent and that I have to have my guard up. I would often unconsciously feel anxious and walk on egg shells because I know now that the father sets the tone for safety in the house. I witnessed my Mom have to overcompensate in many different ways for my sisters and I to feel safe and loved. She burnt herself out by trying to suppress her feelings around not feeling fully supported and safe in the relationship with my Dad at times.

My parents relationship has taught me a lot in many powerful ways. There were so many incredible times we had as a family and I know that they were always trying to do the best they could with what they knew. To this day, they have grown so much as individuals and a couple.

Growing up was different as it was often full of highs and lows, ups and downs. I know their journey of being together since they were 17 years old hasn’t always been easy; I certainly witnessed a tremendous amount of challenges they faced together.

I grew up thinking that love is dramatic. That volatile emotions are normal. I thought that love was supposed to be hard, because it looked that way with my parents so often.

I didn’t know what I wanted in relationships, what my values were, or what truly stable and secure love should look like. Many of the examples around me also didn’t have it together (heck I know we’re all human just trying to figure it out) but deep down I knew that the possibility of healthier relationships had to exist.

When I started first dating, I attracted men who needed “fixing.” Since I witnessed my Mom and so many of the women in my life be caretakers for the family and their husbands, I thought this was normal. I didn’t have healthy boundaries in relationships, I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, and I ultimately abandoned myself and my needs on more than one occasion just to feel wanted and loved.

I used to be overly giving in every which way in my romantic relationships without it being reciprocated. I would do anything to please my partner and “make them stay” because I couldn’t stand the thought of being heartbroken or rejected. All I wanted was to feel chosen and thought that my partner needed to be the one to make me feel ok.

The truth is - I first needed to choose myself in order to receive the love I was really looking for.

A four and a half year partnership came to an end in 2023 which really rocked my world. The reason it came to and end is because there was misalignment in what we wanted for the future. I learned so much from that relationship and left it with a lot of respect for the man I shared those years with, but the reason it ended is because throughout that relationship I wasn’t fully chosen. During the course of that relationship I faced many bouts of pretty severe mental health challenges. I was also healing from so much. It was often “too much” for that partner to handle and he would withdraw. He would often have doubts about a future with me and I truly felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough.

I knew I had a lot to work on internally and a lot to heal from when I left that relationship and I sure did. During this time post-break up that I truly found myself in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.

From early 2023 to early 2025 I was on a journey of self-love. Within those two years I learned what my values are and what is important to me. I learned how to be content in my own company and I took on many opportunities to become more independent and enjoy the solitude of my own company. During this time I attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat, travelled on my own and with friends, took breath work classes which healed so much unresolved trauma, took myself on dates, and learned about self-pleasure (which was the key to becoming more comfortable with my sexuality).

At the beginning of 2025 I knew I was ready to start dating again, but this time - I was crystal clear on the kind of traits I was looking for and what I wanted for my future.

I’ll never forget I had a moment shortly before I signed up for online dating when I was at a dance party with a friend and and I told her, “I have a feeling I am going to find a love like I’ve never experienced before.”

Flash forward to meeting my partner in April (almost a year to the date today) was my current partner and I’s first date. We hit it off quickly and I knew that so many of the traits he embodied were exactly what I was intentionally looking for.

I could have only ever recognized the man he was by healing myself and becoming clear on what I deserve. I was attracting the same kind of guys in the past because I didn’t think I deserved better.

One thing that my partnership brings to the table that I have never had before is being consistently chosen. I never have to question if my partner wants a future with me or is serious about his intentions with me - it is shown in his daily actions.

I could bring any sort of concern, hardship, or question to the table and I never have to worry about if he will run, judge me, or shy away - he leans into the conversation and makes me feel secure.

He includes me in his future as if it’s already happening now.

His moods are stable and he doesn’t project anger onto me, he is consistent.

I now know what it means when they say good things take time, because sometimes they do. Who you become in the process prepares you for that good thing to arrive exactly how it is meant to.